When Mr Armani was joined by Mr Gucci in Bowel Transplant Land

There is an old adage that a week is a long time in politics; well there should be an adage that a day is a long time healthcare especially when you are a patient. I started the week by going back in to hospital for what was supposed to be a minor and routine hernia operation. The only slight complication was that it was at the site of the stoma reversal and that made closing the site potentially more difficult.  

Everything had started as a niggle; I constantly felt in discomfort and it sounded like a blocked drain every time I ate. Food would go down and as it hit the hernia site huge gurgling would start and then it was as if the drain would unblock and the contents would flood out. Gurgling became louder and louder and pain got worse and no amount of self plunging seemed to clear things. (I’m not sure that the medical term “self plunging” actually exists in the British Medical Journal but you get my drift). Sitting in the waiting room before going to theatre my surgeon and I chatted about if things went well then maybe I would go home that day. I must remind him not to choose my lottery numbers in future.

I woke up several hours later back on Wytham Ward in real agony, connected to a pain relief pump and with a drain attached to the wound. My initial pride at having the hernia described as “a corker” was soon replaced with the realisation that I couldn’t actually move properly and that the surgery had taken much longer than planned. In addition I had always prided myself on my Armani style zip that went vertically down my stomach. In truth it was just a series of scars all in the same place that have been repeatedly cut out and replaced by the next season’s style of scar. This time though Mr Armani was joined by Mr Gucci a 6 inch horizontal scar across my stomach. The wound had also required a double mesh to be used to try and keep things in place and then the skin was actually glued back in place in the hope that it will stay fixed. So not only do I have Armani and Gucci fashion accessories but I now have an arts and craft store permanently on tap to place with. If anyone is connected to Hobbeycraft then for a small fee I will advertise their wares on my body. Think of it as the new telemedicine advertising.

Meet Mr Gucci

At home I feel that I have been walking around like quasi modo as it is proving a real challenge to stand up straight. I also picked up an infection at the site of the wound and am on antibiotics. I’m not sure whether it is the new meds, the effects of another anaesthetic or simply my bowel going “for goodness sake when will you leave me alone” but the time spent on the toilet has been huge. It can also be at any time of the day or night and I have found myself either asleep on the loo a 2am, in the shower at 3am and contemplating the meaning of life on many different occasions over a 24hr period. I am thing of putting an office in there and a camp bed then I probably won’t need to leave. Also it has crossed my mind at times to actually throw my food straight down the toilet bowl as it would save a whole lot of aggravation waiting for it to go through my own plumbing works and back out again. Surely cutting out the middle man makes sense. And following my new innovative sponsorship strategy I am a one man focus group for any toilet paper company looking to launch a new luxury brand. Andrex 3 ply are my favourites by the way J

I don’t want to paint a total picture of frustration over the last week especially as has been one monumental breakthrough. Yes folks a fridge that is now in the waiting area on the ward and can be used and accessed by patients 24/7. Up until now the only fridge I have been allowed access to as an inpatient is the one in the kitchen (let’s be clear it is not a kitchen in the sense that you and I know – it is a place where a microwave, fridge and dishwasher exists) which is constantly locked and relies on the complete kindness of nurses to get you access to it on an ad hoc basis. If the nurses are busy which invariably they are then it means getting your own food can be really challenging. This fridge is ground breaking.

This week has seen my usual blood test challenges and attempts at re-siting cannulars. Putting one in a tiny vein in my index finger was interesting to say the least and I have been working on the basis that they last around 24hrs before tissuing. I tend though to take all these things in quite a blasé fashion. In a way taking bloods or sticking in needles to difficult patients is just as hard for the doctor as it is the patient. Some run a mile and some see it as a real personal challenge, I just want to know if one of them would be brave enough to let me have a go at jabbing them. Come on, man up!!

Flipping heck that hurt

So there you have my week in a nutshell. I made a serious of very short videos whilst in hospital. Here is the first one if you fancy a viewing and the rest will be up on my You Tube Channel. http://youtu.be/IZG9u0EBCSo  Yes I know that I am not President Bartlett or even the legendary news anchor from The NewsRoom but you can’t blame a man for trying. I mean this is reality tv on a shoestring budget. I have to write the script, act the part, be director, producer and editor all rolled in to one. What more do you want from a humble bowel transplant patient.

Till next time

x